Friday, April 2, 2010

still awake.

This happens every night. Ughh.

I get Grayson asleep in his own bed, after cuddling, rocking, humming, and patting him for what seems like forever, then I cant sleep. Justin is asleep also.

My mind wont let me sleep. Half of the time, I dont even know what exactly I am thinking about. All I know is that I am dead tired, and tomorrow I will hate that once again, I stayed up. When nap time comes tomorrow, Im going to hope to nap with him, but of course I wont, Ill want to nap as soon as he wakes up. Just great!

Anyways; Im super excited to be going back to Idaho in 10 days! It is so needed. I couldnt tell you how badly I need this break. Dont get me wrong, I appreciate that she let us stay at her house, but to be perfectly honest, she couldnt give a shit less if i was here or not. All she wants is MY Grayson. If she "accidently" calls herself his mama one more time, I may "accidently" put my fist in her nose. Ok, maybe that wasnt necessary to say outloud, but I feel a little better.

I would be perfectly okay to never step foot in this house again. I wont go into much detail of why I hate it so much here, just know that I do, with all that I have! I dont like that I have to have Grayson here everyday. I know that isnt fair to Justin, but thats how I feel. If I never had to come back here, then I would try my hardest to make it work in Idaho.. But I'll have to come back here because Justin just cant stay away from his mommy. Idk why, but hey, shes not my mom. I'll have to make a note to myself to 'try' and respect that.. yeah.

Enough about living in this craphole, I wanna talk about going to Idaho!!

I want to get out and put Grayson in his stroller and put his little shark sunglasses on him and just walk! I want to watch him as he discovers things outside of these 4 walls. I want to share him with the people I love. I want to laugh and take pictures, and to be able to go to sleep at night knowing that I'll wake up and be able to breathe in some fresh air.

....I want to go to sleep! For real this time, Im off to snuggle my little man.


  1. Ok, so I have this visual image of your fist in 'she' hole now...thanks so much and you need to watch Lewis Ck on Netflix or you tube. Specifically, his bit about his phobia of boys and their pink things. We watched it last night and he's crude but made me laugh. I must have been in the mood for crude.

    BTW, I should get a prize or some thing for being your inspiration and 1st comment!!! lol

    Can't wait to see you!!

  2. Hi Ashley,
    Hang in there girl.
    I hope to be able to see you and your baby when you come Idaho. Grandma Mary might come and get me and Zack when they come back this way.
    I can't wait to see you. I love you and miss you lots.
    Your beautiful and your baby is such a cutie.
    I can't wait see Zack with your little guy.
    Take Care,
    Aunt Lisa